Friday, January 18, 2013

{new website, new journey}

Hey Loves!

I just wanted to make the official announcement that I have MOVED! You can now find me at 

I decided to create something new because my blog is changing a bit...I'm still going to be writing about eating disorder recovery and other things, but I want to add in some jewelry posts, art posts and also some fitness things! 

I also have a brand new products page on the new blog where you can view my artwork and order some if you want! And....I have created an awesome newsletter called Quote of the Day, where you can sign up to receive daily inspirational quotes from me! How cool is that?!

I will be slowly transferring favorite post and whatnot to the new website so it should have the same look and feel! 

I really hope you can join me on this new journey <3

Don't forget to like up my facebook page too!



Wednesday, January 16, 2013

{Keys to a Successful Recovery: Courage}

Courage is when you're afraid
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain
But you keep on living anyway
{Lyrics from Courage by Orianthi}

The third key to a successful recovery is courage. It goes hand-in-hand with wisdom because if you have the wisdom to know what is best and what you need to do, you must have the courage to do those things and stand up for them. 

I wrote a post all about what courage meant to me here if you want to check it out, but just to do an overview. Courage, to me is about being true to who you are on the inside and being able to express your true self. Courage is also facing fears, taking risks and being vulnerable. And sometimes courage is not a big event, but rather something as small as trying again tomorrow.

When you struggle with an eating disorder, courage is so important. Without being courageous, there is no way you can keep on going, keep on pushing, and keep on trying each and every day. It takes courage to get up every single day and try again. And it's not easy, I've been there. I remember days when I would lie down at night and hope I wouldn't wake up because everything was just too hard. But I also had days where I would wake up and would keep plugging along, and I would never give up. 

When you have the wisdom to know what you are supposed to do, you only have half of the equation. Courage is the missing link. You can talk all you want about the things you have to do and what you are going to do, but if you can't find the courage within, talk is all there will ever be. Courage is the action that comes after the talk. 

I remember I would go on walks with my mom and talk the whole time about what I was doing to myself, how much I wanted to change and telling her what I needed to do, but when push came to shove, my courage wasn't there yet and I continued down the same road with the same behaviors. 

Finding courage isn't easy. it can be difficult to be brave in the midst of uncomfortable or overwhelming times, but it's possible. 

The best way to find courage is to take a risk. Try that cupcake you just baked. Take a bite of something that makes you tremble. Don't go to the gym for one day. Just do something that goes against Ed's plans for once. It's hard but I guarantee you'll find great strength in those fearful moments. 

You are a lot stronger than you think you are, and no body said you had to believe what you think. 

Courage will bring you through the rough patches and one day you'll be able to look back and realize just how strong you really were. 

Go out and be brave! Do something scary!

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ?I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.? You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

{What if You Were Healed?}

One of the best books I have read recently is called Emotional Wellness by Osho, and in it he talks about so many different things, but one thing in particular hit me and it hit me hard. 

He goes into this idea that people cling to their illnesses or diseases because they are afraid that without them, who will they be?

This was so crazy to me because I have always felt this way but had never heard anyone else talk about it in the honesty that he uses. I've experienced this first hand throughout my whole recovery and have also seen people do this as well. 

In regards to my recovery, I remember days where I would be so depressed that I would want to die, but in a weird way I would like it. I would cling to those feelings of sadness because they were all I had and I felt special for having them. 

It sounds pretty messed up I know, but it's real. This is why it took me so long to finally see the light. I was so intrigued by my wounds and sadness and I was all "oh poor me, why me?" that I couldn't get out of it. I held onto this shit because it served me in some crazy way and I was scared to find out what would happen if I let everything go. 

Osho goes on to say how people actually enjoy their illnesses because it gives them something to talk about, complain about. But what happens if they're problems were gone? They wouldn't know what to talk about and there would be nothing for them to enjoy. 

He believes that people are happy about their misery, which I think is true. I know some girls from treatment who post all about their lives and how horrible the Ed is and how they are so sick, and might die, but why are they doing that? It has always confused me but now it makes sense. They are happy for their misery in some way, and this has been true for me too at times. But I think it comes down to a need for attention. And I know that everyone says that having an eating disorder is not for attention but what if that is part of it? It was for me, even though I didn't want to admit it. I needed my dad to notice me and not just my brother. I wanted my mom's attention when she was babysitting all those little kids all day. I felt lonely inside, so I needed other people to notice that I was alive. And I have a feeling these other girls have some of this too. Or maybe I'm just crazy!

But seriously, why would you post these images/words as if you were actually proud to have this deadly illness? I mean it's not something to be ashamed of, but why be proud of it either? It still baffles me in so many ways. 

So what would happen if you really were healed? What if you woke up and there was no eating disorder or anxiety, but it was just you, as you? What would you enjoy? What would make you happy and what would you talk about?

Just some thoughts :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

{Keys for a Successful Recovery: Wisdom}

If you haven't already, please read my first post in this series about endurance. Because after you have mastered the skill of sticking with your recovery, you can move into the wisdom realm of it.


Wisdom in your recovery from anorexia or any eating disorder is crucial because without it, your judgement is going to be off and knowing which way to turn next will be a difficult question.

To me wisdom is a combination of a couple things. One, wisdom is knowing what you need, when you need it and how you need it. And two, wisdom is knowing the real truth behind your actions and being honest with those truths.

In the early stages of my anorexia, I was afraid to tell myself the truth. I was terrified that if I spoke about my problems out loud or really acknowledged an issue, that I would be worse off in some way or something bad would happen.Turns out the complete opposite was true. When I finally was able to face up to what was really going on inside my head, I was able to take back control and find a way to heal.

Another thing I learned throughout my eight years of fighting Ed, was how to listen to my heart and truly follow it. When you are struggling to recover you are also working on trying to find yourself in the process which can lead to learning a lot about who you are on the inside.When I started learning things about myself, I was able to know what would work for me or not, what was helpful, what wasn't, what I liked and disliked. And this pertained to both treatment related things and just plain life things.

I can remember a specific time when I was talking with a therapist and she wanted to give me a suggestion to help me. She thought that it would be a good idea to do weekly weigh-ins at the doctors, but I remember telling her that it wouldn't work for me, as it was extremely triggering and negative. I knew myself well enough to know what would work and what wouldn't in terms of my recovery and I was able to stand up for myself in this respect. 

Having the wisdom within your heart to follow what you know is the best thing for you is going to make all the difference. This can also go the other way when you know you shouldn't be doing a certain behavior. You know it's not going to help you, so you must have the wisdom to recognize what you are doing in order to have hope that you can change. 

One last thing about wisdom, I found in the serenity prayer, which goes like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Wisdom is needed to understand the different between the things you can change and the things you can't. There were many things throughout my recovery that I wished I could change, like the size of my hips or the fact that food was needed for survival, but knowing this was what made all the difference. 
"I was born with these hips and there is no way to change my bone structure to make them thinner so suck it up and accept yourself" is what I would tell myself constantly. And it worked, because today I don't fret over the size of my hip bones anymore, they are unique to me and I love them! 

A wise person is a happy person. Practice wisdom daily. 

And never forget to honor who you are inside. 

{Please share this post with anyone who you think could benefit from it! Along with the other posts in this series!}

Sunday, December 30, 2012

{5 Things to Start Doing in Your Recovery}

1. Stop looking at photos of skinny models, stop following pro-ana blogs, stop using thin girls as motivation to be smaller. 

I know some people who claim they want to recover but they continue to look at/post/re-blog these types of photos. You know, the ones of those thinner-than-death-girls who have thighs of all one size, and bones sticking out at every angle. These photos are only going to sabotage your progress and make the ED stronger. If you must look at photos for motivation look at all of the women around you. These are healthy, REAL women and they are truly beautiful. 

2. Start learning about the benefits of the foods you are eating. Learn how they are nourishing your heart, blood, bones, brains, etc. 

When I started doing this major changes happened. I started eating for health and not for calories or numbers. I ate because I knew I was putting good food into my body, food that would nourish my organs, help my brain function, and keep my heart pumping. It's amazing what good food can do for you. 

3. Start posting positive notes around your house, especially on your mirrors. 

At one point in my recovery my bedroom walls were completely covered in quotes and positive images that you could no longer even make out the color of the walls. Every time I walked into my room, I was reminded of all the reasons why I needed and wanted to fight and beat ED once and for all. Post sticky notes on your mirrors that say things such as, "You look gorgeous today!" or "You are enough", and when you look at them you will be filled with love and positive energy. 

4. Start reading recovery books, self-help books, positive thinking books. Learn how your mind works and start changing your negative thoughts into positive ones. 

Some of the best books I have read have been ones written about recovery or stories of people who have recovered. The best ones I would recommend would be Jenni Schaefer's Life Without Ed and Osho's Emotional Wellness. There are so many good ones out there, just start reading and learn something!

5. Start lifting weights and focus on gaining strength instead of burning calories. Learn about your muscles and lift to be strong. 

My true recovery really started when I found my love for lifting weights. I found a strength in me bigger than anything else. I was powerful and it felt like a whole new Tayla was born. Ed used to give me false power by telling me that not eating and losing weight were my strengths, but lifting weights ave me real power, and I started to believe in myself again and my confidence went through the roof. So start lifting something heavy (if medically approved) and watch your self love and confidence rise to new heights!

Last but not least, when you feel like giving up, keep going. Keep pushing forward even if you don't like you can. You can and you will. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

{keys to a successful recovery: endurance}

I didn't do these posts in order because I thought of the idea afterwards, but I am trying to write a series here called keys to a successful recovery.

The five keys are endurance, wisdom, courage, acceptance, and self-love.

I wrote about acceptance here if you wanna read.

So today's topic is endurance. Now I don't mean endurance like in the running sense. I mean endurance like in the just-keep-plugging-along sense. I guess they're kind of similar.

Here is the definition of the word based on's point of view.

From that it's clear why one would need endurance to succeed in recovery from anorexia, or really any mental illness for that matter.

After more than eight years of fighting this insane disease, my endurance level is pretty high. Anyone who has suffered through something where it's almost all mental will know what I'm talking about. The strength required to remain dedicated is outstanding.

The only difference between having endurance to fight anorexia and say endurance to run ten miles is that the strength needed for fighting anorexia is life or death. If you don't have the motivation to continue to get up every single day and fight, to talk back to Ed, to disobey him, to replace his lies with positive truths, then you won't win, you won't be stronger than Ed.

Which is the ultimate goal. To be stronger than Ed. To be the one on top.

For me, this wasn't always easy obviously, and I'm not sure anyone would say it is either. Always being motivated, always having a reason to fight, and always pushing Ed away is not something that takes a couple of days, or even weeks. It's something that can takes years. That's the reason why I dislike treatment centers, but that's for another time.

"Healing is a choice. It's not an easy one, because it takes work to turn around your habits, but keep making the choice, and shifts will happen." Yehuda Berg

You can't change a behavior overnight, just like you didn't pick up that behavior overnight. It takes time people.

I remember days, and even straight weeks where I would beg for an easier option, a way out. Why was this so hard and where was the quick fix that I so desperately wanted?

It never came. It was my endurance to continue to struggle on that got me to where I am today. And I'm not sure you can call my recovered, because I don't even know what that means, but I am in a place where I am stronger than Ed. He no longer controls my thinking. I do.

Endurance is important because without it, you'd give up, fade out, and lose the battle. Endurance is what keeps your head up and it is what allows you to push through even the hardest of days. Endurance is how you keeping going day after day, year after year.

Endurance is what gets you from weak to strong.

Monday, December 17, 2012

{20 Things I've Learned in 20 Years}

20 Things I've Learned in 20 Years

1. When you can successfully learn from your mistakes, you become a wiser, stronger person. 
2. Once you lose who you are, you lose everything. 
3. Life isn't worth living if you aren't doing something you love. 
4. Eating good food is a wonderful thing. 
5. Weight lifting will give make your confidence grow like never before.
6. Learning to ignore your negative thoughts can be one of the best things you can do for yourself.  
7. There will always be at least one person who will try to deter you away from reaching your dreams. You must learn to ignore them. 
8. If you believe in yourself, you can do anything you wish. 
9. Once you master self love and acceptance you have mastered two of the greatest things in life. 
10. Being honest and vulnerable with yourself is the only way to truly heal. 
11. Learning to take time for yourself and being alone with yourself is an awesome thing. 
12. What you like in others, you like in yourself and what you dislike about others, you dislike about yourself. 
13. Everything you need is already inside you, you just have to be silent enough to find it. 
14. When you feel good about who you are, the whole world is on your side. 
15. The only person who can save you is yourself. No one else can do it for you. 
16. You are already worthy and beautiful right now in this moment just because you are alive. There is nothing extra you have to do. 
17. Once you realize that you can't please everyone, life is much more enjoyable. 
18. Laughter really is the best medicine. 
19. It's better to be an inspiration, than thinspiration. 
20. Being happy is a state of mind. It's something you choose to be. 

Sunday, December 9, 2012

{keys to a successful recovery: acceptance}

"Acceptance is the number one key to recovery."

It's taken me a long ass time to finally know the meaning of that statement. I could never wrap my head around how I was supposed to accept myself when I absolutely hated everything about myself. 

You gotta accept your body. But I can't because I'm fat. I can't because I'm not as thin as that other girl. I can't because I hate my shoulders, arms, legs, etc. 

You gotta accept that you're quiet. But I can't because no one likes me. I can't because I don't have any friends. I can't because everyone thinks I'm rude, selfish, a snob, etc. 

You gotta accept who you are. But I can't because I hate myself. I can't because I'm not good enough. I can't because no one loves me. 

Those were thoughts I used to have, but not so much anymore. 

Learning to accept things has been my savior when it comes to recovering. Without accepting certain things I would still be fighting against them and getting no where. 

Some things I have had to accept throughout my recovery:

-It's going to take time
-There's no way to shrink my hip bones
-I can't change the way my thumbs look
-...Or my nose, hair, eyes, etc. 
-There's no way to change the shape of my knees
-I will never be really tan
-My legs ARE in fact beautiful
-Women have fat and curves
-I can't compare myself to Ben because men are not the same as women
-Fat is needed for health 
-Cellulite is natural and not a flaw
-My wanting to be thin is a cover up for my other problems
-Being strong means being healthy and at a healthy weight
-My body is smarter than me
-I have to eat to live
-Fats won't make me fat
-Everyone is different and has their own issues

And I could think of a lot more, but I'll save your time and stop there. 

Some of these things still need constant reminding on my part but I can confidently say that I have accepted that these issues will be with me and that I can't change them. Take cellulite for example, we all hate the fact that we have it but it's kind of inevitable. You can't make cellulite go away forever because it's part of our genetic make up. Our bodies were made to have it so why try to fight it? I've learned (and am still learning) that by getting depressed about my cellulite will only make things worse. What if I accepted it and learned to love it? What would happen then? I would probably be much happier that's for sure. 

And that's the process I go through when accepting things. How would I be better off by not trying to force change when I can't? I'd be happier and that's the ultimate goal so it's a win win. 

Accept the things you can't change and happiness will come. 

Accept who you are and you'll be free.

No, it's not easy and it didn't happen overnight, but something inside you will break and you'll get it and you'll let go. 

Being able to accept certain things, even if they don't have to do with the eating disorder will create freedom in your life and thus you will be free. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

{paralysis by analysis: my new goal}

It's funny when I make a goal because it usually doesn't last very long before I change my mind. What happens is that I have a goal and then something freaks me out or I end up reading too much and end up talking myself out of it. I tend to get caught up in all of the information out there and become paralysis by analysis.

I read and I read and after a while everything seems to contradict itself and then I get confused and force myself to take a reality check and simplify myself.

It happens with everything, but the most common is information about weight lifting. I want to try everything and do everything that every book or article says but there is so much freakin' stuff out there that it just becomes a jumbled mess of chaos. One article says to do this and another says not to do that, but to do this instead so no wonder this happens. Especially if you're like me and have a type A personality.

Anywho, getting off topic. I wanted to discuss my new long term goal. It's kind of something I've been working on for a long-ass time but never really gave it 100%.

Goal: build muscle and strength in order to compete in a powerlifting competition. 

It's a pretty big goal yeah, but I am motivated and I have a plan to stick with it, even when I get sweeped away by all the people contradicting it.

I know that I want to do this because it's a goal not only about strength and looking a certain way but it's about mental strength and being able to push myself. The thing I like about a powerlifting competition compared to other competitions is the fact that it's not really about beating someone else, it's more about beating yourself and pushing yourself.

So, since stating my goal I have already had issues. Almost every article about fitness or health that I read is about how to lose weight and how to burn fat, stay lean, etc. so it's extremely hard to go against all that and do the opposite. I want to gain weight, gain muscle, eat more, etc. Because I know that if I don't, my goal will go out the window like all the others.

I was thinking the other day about how I could avoid having these fat loss articles get to me which will eventually sway me from my task and I wrote down some things that I will need to give up.

Things I have to give up in order to reach my goal:

1. visable abs

2. my fear of fat

3. my fear of my body changing

4. fear of eating too much

5. people's thoughts

6. fear that I won't be able to stay lean

7. my ideal of a perfect body

8. my need for "quick fixes"

9. my idea that I want it to happen overnight

So yeah there are a lot of things going on there. A lot of things I need to let go of and most of them have to do with my body in some way or the other. My main problem is that I fear that I'll get fat. I fear that I won't be able to see my muscle and instead I'll just look gross. However, I do know this won't be possible because I don't eat crap. I would say I eat abnormally "clean" and the right amount, but I also know that I need to up this amount in order to gain.

So anyways, this is what I'll be working on for the next months, years...who knows. I don't really have a goal date in mind because I don't know how long it's going to take to get some decent muscle, but I do know that I want to compete and I will.

My plan for this week is to up my calories by 200 and reassess on Friday and see where I am and see what needs to be changed. My plan for my workouts isn't changing much, I'm lifting heavy and having fun and that's what counts the most.

So wish me luck!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

{the truth about anorexia}

I recently read something about people's views on anorexia, saying how someone with this illness just wants to be thin. This thus got me thinking and newsflash! everything gets me thinking. 

Seriously, though, I have been pondering this for the past couple of days, trying to figure out if this was true for me or not. Do on-lookers really have it right? Do anorexics stop eating because they want to be thin? 

Of course not! It's a facade, a cover-up. The real issues behind why someone becomes anorexic are so much more complicated and diverse. 

In terms of my story, when I first found out that I was anorexic, I couldn't wrap my mind around the why? My mom would constantly ask me "why do you think you have this issue?" and my answer would revolve around the fact that I just wanted to be skinny. Of course, now, as I look back I can see exactly why I developed the illness and it had nothing to do with being thin. 

I remember the day I started my mission to lose weight. I unconsciously thought that if I was skinnier, then I wouldn't have to move on. I could stay little and people would still like me. In this beginning stage of my anorexia, I hid the fact that I just really didn't want to grow up, by trying to be thin

As I began my treatment and therapy, I started to realize there were a multitude of issues that I was hiding behind my facade. I needed to stay small so people would love me, so my dad would be proud of me, so he would remember that I was still here. I needed my mom to support me, my friends to not leave me, for people to accept me. And yet, thinking about it all now, the only thing that I was trying to hide was the fact that I needed love and acceptance from myself. 

When I relapsed in 2010, I did so because I felt forgotten, lost, unloved. I needed people's approval and their support. What I really needed was my own support, my own approval. 

And that's why I can say that the main issue within any anorexic case is the need for self-love. I'm confident that this is what it all boils down to in the end. You can starve yourself for what you think it's for, acceptance from others, attention, love, etc. But really you starve yourself because you don't believe you're worthy and you have no self-love for yourself. 

I know this is true because once I started really focusing on trying to love myself and accept who I was, I found freedom. I no longer needed the outward approval of the ones around me because I already approved of myself, which was the most important thing. 

There have been a lot of lessons I've learned over the past nine years through my struggles, but the biggest thing I had to learn was to love myself and be okay with whatever I was. If I'm weird, then let me be weird. If I'm shy and quiet, then so be it. If I love being alone, then let me be alone. 

And it's not like I'm "cured" or anything, I mean all kinds of people deal with this stuff, even those without anorexia, because it's normal. I still have my days where I seem to forget what I'm fighting for, but I always pick myself back up and start again. 

I am now thankful for all of this because I truly believe that if it wasn't for the anorexia and all of the struggles I had to go through, I wouldn't even be close to where I am now, physically, and most importantly mentally and spiritually. 

So, when people say that anorexia is a disease of thinness, I disagree. Anorexia is a disease of self-love, of acceptance, approval, love, life, of freedom. 

Learn to love yourself. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

{how he saved me}

I was reflecting yesterday and realized something huge. I'm pretty sure it's what has allowed me to progress so much in my recovery.

I realized that Ben cured me.

Well, kind of.

It started a while ago, I would be explaining to him that I just ate "way too" much food and thus I would automatically wind up being fat in the morning, and he would just laugh and say that that's impossible. He would argue with me, tell me that my thoughts were crazy, and that they would never happen. 

This went on for some time. I would constantly be complaining about how my body looked and how I overate and would thus become fat instantly and he would dispel my thoughts by laughing and challenging me.

At first, I would get mad and try to challenge him back "You're lying. I am totally going to gain 10 pounds overnight. You'll see." But after a while, I began to see how crazy and irrational my thoughts were and I would start to laugh at myself. Of course nobody gains weight overnight, just by eating 200 or whatever calories more than they were "allowed". 
No, it just doesn't work like that.

Ed still didn't want me to believe that he was wrong so the feelings were still there. But after some time of seeing my thoughts as completely irrational, I began to let them go more and more. 

I guess I thought of this because the other night I was eating and afterwards, I immediately began to tell Ben about how fat I'd be in the morning and then I caught myself, and began saying the same thing over but this time I said it  as if I was making fun of myself for thinking this way. 

"Yep, I just ate a lot and now I'm gonna be so huge tomorrow because that can totally happen! Haha."

I no longer needed Ben to do it for me, rather I could make fun of my own thoughts by realizing just how crazy they sounded. 

It's funny to think back and see all of my previous Ed thoughts that were so wacked that I find myself laughing and wondering how I actually thought those were true. But then I remember just how manipulative Ed can be and how enticing his promises were. 

It's hard to disagree with someone who promises you control and worthiness. 

"Oh Tay, if you don't have that extra calorie, you'll have total control and be so loved."

"Haha Ed, you will never have that kind of power over me. EVER. I know everything you say is a lie, so why don't you just stop trying. I'm done falling for your evil tricks."

I still have says where I find myself enticed by Ed's "deals", but the difference now is that I can recognize them and disobey them. 

I really think that Ben helped though, because without him there to make me see how absurd my thoughts were, I wouldn't be able to see them and I wouldn't be able to change them. 

Thanks Love. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Becoming Who You Are (e-book)

I know I haven't posted in a while. To be honest I really just couldn't find anything to talk about. I even started some new posts but after I got into it, I realized nothing I was writing made sense, so I stopped.

I did, however write an e-book and want to share it with you guys. It's called Becoming Who You Are: Inspirational Quotes on Self-Love and Recovery. If you're interested, it's basically just a collection of my favorite inspirational quotes and thoughts about recovery and self-love. It's free and you can download a copy of it here.

Let me know your thoughts if you look at it.


Monday, November 5, 2012

{surviving a fat day}

fat days. we've all had them. those days when we feel like a big whale and everything is horrible. you know what i'm talking about. it's been said again and again that "fat is not a feeling" but i beg to differ. it's totally a feeling. 

yesterday was a full out "fat day" for me and even though it sucked, i rocked it. it's funny to think back and remember what i used to do when i had these days. i only experience them once a month or so and i'm come to appreciate them. gasp, i know. 

so how do you actually rock a fat day? 

1. know it won't last. this is key. if you sit and dwell on how fat and disgusting you feel, then you'll never escape. you have to remember that feelings don't last and that by tomorrow you'll be feeling better. this is what i say to myself, "tay, you're having one of those days and it's'll be over tomorrow so just relax."

2. do something. something other than sitting around and watching tv because you feel sorry for yourself. get up and walk or do yoga or go to the gym. get outside and breathe. it'll get you thinking more positive thoughts and help you appreciate your surroundings.

3. wear comfortable clothes. sweatpants, long sleeves, shorts, etc. if you don't have to go anywhere, don't bother getting into your jeans that you know will just make things worse. put on your most comfortable clothes and be okay with it. 

4. take a shower. this always helps me. turn on the hot water and just stand under it until you feel better. once you're clean, it's amazing how much different you feel. 

5. eat real food. sometimes when i'm having these days, all i feel like doing is laying down and eating shitty food, but seriously don't do it. it won't help you at all. make it a point to eat real food...make a healthy meal and actually enjoy it or try a new recipe. good food makes all the difference. 

i hope you have good fat days! 

don't forget music, that will always make any day better<3

Monday, October 29, 2012


1. I found out that Jim Gaffigan will always make me laugh no matter how many times I watch his shows. Just kidding, I already knew this before. 

2. Prison Break will be the only show Ben and I watch for at least a month...gotta get through those eighty episodes of pure love. 

3. Frozen English muffins will never go out of style. 

4. The quickest I've ever gone through a peanut butter jar was four days. Guilty? No. 

5. "Lets Pretend This Never Happened" by Jenny Lawson is the best thing that ever appeared in my life. Read it now people. 

6. Not hiking for a couple of months means you are out of shape and this calls for weird faces. Durr.  

7. New songs on repeat on my cracked-to-shit ipod. 

8. Yes, I will be making the three hour trip to Portland, ME this weekend for the opening of Red Mango frozen yogurt. No big deal. 

(p.s. while searching for this photo, I found a new blog!)

9. This sticker = Want Need

10. There are some things I will never learn, like leaving all my homework undone until the night it's due. At least I'll earn an A in procrastination. Go me. 

                                                      This is basically the definition of me. 

And I just had to throw this one in here because, come on people, there is something wrong with the world when Taylor Swift has all the top song spots on itunes. Give someone else a chance jeez. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

{what's it to me, what's it to you?}

What's it to me?


courage  is knowing when you need help and asking for it...

courage is finally feeling like you can love yourself for who you are...

courage is realizing when you are taking a turn for the worse and catching yourself...

courage is being able to eat without guilt...

courage is knowing you have a purpose even on your worst days...

courage is doing something that scares you...

courage is following your heart...

courage is never giving up...

courage is taking rest days without feeling lazy...

courage is believing in yourself...

courage is being honest with yourself...

courage is opening up to others...

courage is letting go...

courage is knowing what's best for yourself...

courage is freedom...


What's it to you?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

{wiaw: chicken meatballs}

Wednesdays are great aren't they? I love them for a couple reasons. I don't have work so I'm not dreading that and I have my cake class so that makes my night fun. Tonight we are learning how to make flowers. So excited!

This week was all about getting back into my routine of good eating and workouts. After this weekend, I couldn't wait to get home. A lot of crappy eating (it felt like it anyway) and rest days make me wanna push even harder when I'm home. I tried not to let it bother me too much because I know this stuff is needed to stay balanced. 


On Monday I made chicken meatballs and felt so proud of myself because they came out absolutely amazing. So amazing that I'm gonna share them with you!

Chicken & Spinach Meatballs


1lb ground chicken
1 egg white
1tbsp nutritional yeast
1/4 small onion
dash of garlic powder
dash of salt and pepper

Heat oven to 350 degrees!

Mix everything together until combined then use an ice cream scoop to get perfect-looking meatballs. Place on a sprayed baking sheet. 

Place in oven and let cook for 20 minutes!

Wah-la! Wonderful meatballs for dinner with corn salsa and a hard boiled egg!


Now on to my favorite meals from this week. Thanks Jenn!

My order from GNC arrived on Tuesday and I was so happy...although I guess I thought the pre-workout drink mixes were going to be a bit bigger...oh well. I got a free shaker cup so it's a win!

I finally got grapes and they are actually lasting me more than one day. I guess I have learned how to savor them haha. 

My best lunch yet! Fish with lemon, two meatballs, and steamed broccoli! So good.

Got these in the mail from Only Protein...grass fed and gluten free! YUM. 

Lots and lots of protein shakes! These are by far my favorite meal of the day. I could drink these every single day. 1/2 banana, 1/4 cup almond-coconut milk, water, protein powder, stevia, and topped with chia seeds and then placed in the freezer! 


Things I ate that I don't have photos of: lots of zevias, multiple cans of pumpkin used in mug cakes, tons of eggs (I make the best eggs!), and quest peanut butter cups!

And some things I have been loving this week:

Jason Aldean's new album: Night Train

My new workout program.

Hope you have an awesome week!!


Monday, October 22, 2012

{new program details}

Happy Tuesday!

Leaving the gym today, I got kind of depressed because I loved my workout so much! 

Have you ever felt sad after leaving the gym? You just loved your workout so much, you didn't want to leave?

Okay, maybe not. Maybe I'm just weird.

Let's back up a bit. Last week, I was getting to the point where, even though I still loved working out, I kind of dreaded every day except legs and shoulders. Why? I'm getting tired of isolation exercises, like bicep curls and tricep extensions. I don't know about you, but I don't feel any power when doing these. But I LOVE love love military presses, squats, dead lifts, rows, etc. The compound exercises. They make me feel the most confident and strong.

So getting back to my point. I started looking around for routines that focused mainly on these big lifts as opposed to the isolation lifts and I found the 5 x 5 program from Strong Lifts. At first (and even now) it sounds a little too-good-to-be-true but I'm gonna go with it because there's a lot of evidence that it works.

My main goal for working out right now, I guess, is building muscle. I say "I guess" because this still scares me a bit. The whole "getting bigger" idea puts Ed on edge. But I know what I want to look like (strong) and that means I need more "mass". So, based on my goals this program seems to line up perfectly. I want to be stronger and gain muscle.

The basics of the program:

The 5 x 5 program uses the main compound lifts which include the squat, dead lift, bench press, rows, and shoulder press. It's set up so that you complete three exercises per workout three times a week. Today I did squats, rows, and bench press. Wednesday, I'll do squats, dead lifts, and military press. Friday, I'll do what I did today again. So you are alternating between these two main workouts each each. Next week I'll have two dead lift days instead of the two bench press days this week. 

The main point of the program is that you add weight each time you workout. In order to do this you start with low weight to make sure your form is right and then slowly add on five pounds to each exercise each day you work it. So, today I started with ninety-five pounds for squats, which is pretty easy for me, but when I go to do squats on Wednesday, I'll add five pounds making it a hundred pounds. The difference too, with these squats is that I'm going a lot lower than usual. My hip joint wants to be below my knee joint on each rep in order to get the full benefits from the exercise. This is the same with all of the other lifts. You want to make sure your form is spot on so that when you add weight, you can handle it. 

The 5 x 5 part comes in as the number of sets and reps you preform. You complete five sets of five reps for each exercise, except the dead lift, where you will only do one set of five reps. I personally love this because I'm not a huge fan of busting out a million reps. I'd rather go big or go home, if you know what I mean. 

Anyways, by the end of the twelve weeks my weights for each exercise should be pretty high. I should make good gains if I follow the program exactly. The hardest part for me will be that I won't be working out every day, but only three days a week. I will most likely do some sort of light cardio or light training work on Tuesday and Thursdays so I don't go insane. 

So yeah, I'm pretty excited and can't wait to start seeing more progress! If you want more information about the program, check out the website, it's awesome. Strong Lifts. 


Enjoy you're week...I'll see you on Wednesday for another awesome recipe!

badass =)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

{my new favorite exercises & a lemon carrot mug cake}


My training with Tara ended last week so I decided to write up my own plan based on some research from those books I started reading. It's basically the same plan as usual but with some different exercises, some of which have a new spot at the top of my exercise LOVE list!

Kettlebell Clean & Press

Standing Military Press

Underhand Lat Pull Downs

Arnold Press

I am still loving my squats and dead lifts as always though! These will remain on the tippity-top of this list for all of time haha. I am slowly working on stabilizing my PR from two weeks ago...trying to get up to at least eight reps before I up the weight! It's exciting when you add weight, I love it. 

Moving on...

Today, after my workout I enjoyed a frozen banana-pineapple smoothie and a little while later I made this wonderful mug cake. Enjoy! 

Lemon-Carrot Mug Cake with Lemon Protein Frosting


2 Tablespoons Coconut Flour
3 Tablespoons Egg Whites 
3oz Hooray Carrot Puree (or pumpkin, banana, etc)
1/2 Teaspoon Lemon Flavor
1 Dropper Lemon Stevia

Mix all ingredients together in your mug of choice. 

Pack it down and make it look nice. Pop it in the microwave for a good four minutes or so. 

While that is cooking, place a bit of protein powder in a bowl. 

Add some almond milk and lemon stevia and stir. 

Take the mug cake out of the microwave, add your protein frosting, sprinkle with bee pollen and eat up!

What are some of your favorite mug cake concoctions? Do you love them as much as I do?!

Hope you're all having a wonderful week! Keep working hard<3