grrrr...

I don't know why but I get so annoyed and frustrated when people around me don't eat. The last couple of nights from last week to this week have made me crazy inside. I love it when people around me eat a ton of food because it makes me feel like I'm not eating as much and that is good, but when the people around me don't eat dinner or only have pop-tarts for dinner that pisses me off. But it's not that I'm mad at them really, just the fact that they didn't eat enough. It's hypocritical, however, because I always don't have enough to eat. I wish there was a way to just let other people do their thing and not be bothered by it...

it's time to change...

Last night was one of the scariest nights I have every had. I was almost asleep when I woke up suddenly from the feeling of gasping for air. It felt like my heart had just literally skipped a beat and let me gasping. I have never had anything like that happen before. I started to panic and my hands started shaking because for the first time in a very long while I really thought that I wasn't going to make it. I felt my pulse and kept my fingers there for a long time, making sure that I could still feel it. It gave me comfort knowing that my heart was beating fine. The more I focused on my breathe the more nervous I got, which thus made me shake even more. I sat up in bed, thinking that I couldn't let myself fall back to sleep because I was so afraid I wouldn't wake up in the morning. As I sat there, I started thinking about the reality of dying from this disease. I thought about how my mom would react and what she would do and then I thought about who would tell Ben and what he would do. I tend to think about how much better things would be if only I wasn't here anymore like when things go wrong or when the pain of my emotions is too overwhelming, but I fail to realize just how devastated the people in my life would be if I left them so early.  I always told myself that nobody would miss me and nobody would care, when in reality everyone would care. For the first time in so long, I prayed to God that he would keep me alive through the night, promising that I would do better. I sat there and prayed until I had nothing else to say. I just hoped whoever was listening to me would help me and let me live, because in that moment I realized just how much I wanted to be alive and how much I wanted those things I've dreamed about. It was a scary night but somebody loves me because I woke up this morning alive and well ready to make changes.

ranting...

I was reading one of Louise Hay's books called The Power is Within You and came across this:

"When we feel not good enough, we find ways to keep ourselves miserable."

When I read this, I said to myself, "yep, that's me." But then I got this feeling that I was proud of myself for being that way. I think that's why it's so hard for me to really love myself because I don't believe it. It's almost like I want myself to be miserable. Sometimes it feels as though that is the only thing I am good at, and it's the only way people notice me. I feel as though I deserve to feel that way, but then again I feel as though I should be happy and free. It's even hard for me to understand sometimes.

It's hard to change when the people around you don't get what you're changing for. I keep learning all this stuff about staying true to myself and loving myself and doing what is best for me, but then you try to practice that and all you get is the feeling of selfishness.

Panic Does No Good

I woke up the other night crying. My mind was flooded with thoughts of college and decisions I didn't want to make. That day I had gotten an acceptance letter from Syracuse University. On one hand I was so excited that I had gotten in. I hadn't expected to get in and I was proud of myself for doing so, but on the other hand I was torn. I knew that Syracuse was so close to Ben and that Utica was not. I had already decided to attend Utica, but now I didn't know what to do. Ben wanted me to go to Syracuse because it was closer, but Utica had the program I wanted. When I woke up crying, I finally realized that it was okay to be scared. I was actually terrified. I didn't want to be far away from Ben. I would no longer have him to lean on and when I pictured in my mind what that looked like, I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face. I saw myself as alone, like I always am, with no one to run to. I started to panic, and when I start to panic my mind goes to the worst possible things that could happen. I feared that this whole college thing would break us, Ben and I. It would tear us in two. I kept picturing how being closer would be so much better and would make us both happier, but would it really? I'd be happy to be able to see Ben daily, but would I be happy with the major I was in? I tried to think about something else and fall back asleep. I put off thinking or talking about it with Ben the next day, but it came back on Monday. I was out walking and all of a sudden the tears hit me again, and everything came back, just like the night before. I tried my best to tell myself that everything was going to be okay. I made myself believe it. I told myself that it would work out and that I would go to Utica and yes, I would be away from Ben but I would be okay. I know he'll always be there for me, if not in person, then in any other way he can. I told myself that if I can just try my best to focus on what I'm there for and what I want to achieve than I can make it. It's okay. I believe it will be okay.

I keep Learning

In my junior year of high school it took losing myself, my values, my best friend, and my school work to finally realize that being yourself is all that matters.
I hadn't made a single friend and I had been here a month now. I was desperately wanting someone to laugh with and be stupid with. I gave up everything I knew in order to be the person that my new roommate liked. I changed my type of music, my clothes, my study habits, and my home life for this person. I wanted to be accepted, and I was willing to do anything it took, however I didn't realize this at the time. I went from a very good student to one who didn't care about homework or the quality of my work. I started staying up later and wearing different clothes that I wouldn't normally wear. I listened to rap and pop music instead of my usual country. Every weekend I would hang out with my new friend which meant not going home and spending time with my mom.
This lasted for several months, until I met a guy named Ben. I'm not sure how he did it but he could see through my fake personality and appearance to the real me. He saw the person I really was, the introspective lovely girl I had once been. He made me open my eyes and realize who I was becoming and who I really wanted to be.
Once I knew this, I started changing, which in turn made me lose my friend but I gained a soul mate and a true friend. I learned that being liked for the true person you are is so much better that being liked for someone you're not.

In all my years searching for the right school for me, I finally realized that it had nothing to do with schools, although all of them were different, there was something the same about them and that was me. I always thought that if only I were at the right school, I would be better, I would be me, I would make friends, I would like the teachers, and so on. But there was one problem, that never happened. No matter what school I went to I always found myself in the same boat. I didn't have friends, I hated the teachers, I hated the classes, I couldn't be myself. The issue was about me. I kept running from school to school thinking that I would find something better, when all along it was me that was holding myself back. I couldn't escape from being me. Everywhere I went I was the same.
I'm glad I'm realizing this now before college because I have to stay at one college for four years and I need to remember that it;s only myself that holds me back, not the school or the teachers or the other kids. They hold me back if I let them, but only I can make myself fly and become the person I want to become.