One of the best books I have read recently is called Emotional Wellness by Osho, and in it he talks about so many different things, but one thing in particular hit me and it hit me hard.
He goes into this idea that people cling to their illnesses or diseases because they are afraid that without them, who will they be?
This was so crazy to me because I have always felt this way but had never heard anyone else talk about it in the honesty that he uses. I've experienced this first hand throughout my whole recovery and have also seen people do this as well.
In regards to my recovery, I remember days where I would be so depressed that I would want to die, but in a weird way I would like it. I would cling to those feelings of sadness because they were all I had and I felt special for having them.
It sounds pretty messed up I know, but it's real. This is why it took me so long to finally see the light. I was so intrigued by my wounds and sadness and I was all "oh poor me, why me?" that I couldn't get out of it. I held onto this shit because it served me in some crazy way and I was scared to find out what would happen if I let everything go.
Osho goes on to say how people actually enjoy their illnesses because it gives them something to talk about, complain about. But what happens if they're problems were gone? They wouldn't know what to talk about and there would be nothing for them to enjoy.
He believes that people are happy about their misery, which I think is true. I know some girls from treatment who post all about their lives and how horrible the Ed is and how they are so sick, and might die, but why are they doing that? It has always confused me but now it makes sense. They are happy for their misery in some way, and this has been true for me too at times. But I think it comes down to a need for attention. And I know that everyone says that having an eating disorder is not for attention but what if that is part of it? It was for me, even though I didn't want to admit it. I needed my dad to notice me and not just my brother. I wanted my mom's attention when she was babysitting all those little kids all day. I felt lonely inside, so I needed other people to notice that I was alive. And I have a feeling these other girls have some of this too. Or maybe I'm just crazy!
But seriously, why would you post these images/words as if you were actually proud to have this deadly illness? I mean it's not something to be ashamed of, but why be proud of it either? It still baffles me in so many ways.
So what would happen if you really were healed? What if you woke up and there was no eating disorder or anxiety, but it was just you, as you? What would you enjoy? What would make you happy and what would you talk about?
Just some thoughts :)